Sometimes I write things down and then forget about them

Today I found this and I just thought I'd share it:

When you have something as precious as this you don’t waste time with expectations that can’t ever feel like now, because they don’t exist here. They don’t exist now. If someone told you that underneath where you stood a diamond was forming from your perfect application of pressure, would you move because your foot fell asleep? When it’s like this, you remain still and let the love move. 

This is precious. This is present. This is us. This what we do. And I have no idea what it is. I can’t be comfortable here. But I can live with it and flourish from the energy. In that way, it’s real. And that’s all the certainty I need.

I have no idea when or why I wrote this.

Peace,
Sesali B.

A Letter to Lupe Fiasco

Dear Lupe,
I adore and admire you. Your courage and light shine through in more ways than one. Even though we rep different "sides", we're from the same city. When I watched you cry on the couch with Sway, I knew what it was and I knew it was real. My cousin was killed in front of Parkway Gardens not even a month ago. He was 19 and he didn't make it out. Ashe.

You tweeted last night that you were heartbroken and that Food & Liquor 2 would probably be your last album. I would beg you to stay and tell you that we need you in that space but I guess you know, just as I do, that the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house. The struggle is real and I hope you find the peace you deserve.

Immediately following that, you mentioned that literature was your first true love. It was, and still is, mine, too. So from this place
of mutual love I hope you can respect what it means that I am writing to you today and think critically about what follows. As man and woman, brother and sister, we need to talk about "Bitch Bad"....

As a writer, it would be sacrilegious for me to ignore the power of language. When you talk about the internalization of the word bitch by children, you remind us that our babies are always watching and listening and creating meaning for language we use. And in this regard, I appreciate verses 1 & 2 (Act I & II in the video) of "Bitch Bad".

But then you took a turn in verse 3 and that's what I'd like to talk to you about. Just when I thought you were going to send us off with a message about reconstructing beauty ideals; or reconsidering the imagery of Black men and women in hip hop and mainstream media; or even the hyper-sexualization of Black women, you don't. Instead you reiterate that Black women are hyper-sexual and suggest that it is our fault because we embraced the term bad bitch and it's association with fat asses, small waists, and long weaves. You actually suggest that while young brothers are living in reality, young sisters are caught up in an illusion.

Brother, it's not an illusion at all. That little boy might associate the word bitch with his mother but that doesn't mean he isn't going to grow up and demand that his female partner have a fat ass and light skin. It's very real that Black women and girls feel that the only chance they have to connect with Black men is when their ass is round and their hip to waist ratio is on point. And this isn't my theory, this is experience. I've heard my male friends and cousins and brothers, from various class backgrounds, talk about "bad bitches".
Contrary to the young brother in your verse 3, they absolutely want to fuck her. And date her, and show her around town, and be a proud husband when she also cooks, clean, and has an education. And these realities are not contingent on women being called "bad bitches" or "beautiful queens". They just are.

To suggest that young brothers are somehow interpreting the term differently than young sisters is a real misunderstanding. Furthermore, by considering young brothers to be the only ones who are able to re-appropriate the term to mean something outside of flamboyant sexuality (because they heard their mother say it) is a disservice and insult to women who have used or identify with the term. This blog is a perfect example of that.

"Bitch Bad" seemed to suggest that the blame was on women. It seemed that the blame was on mothers for using the term in front of their sons; on girls for accepting false imagery without question; and on young women for being sexual and ever having the audacity to refer to themselves as bitches, despite who else does. But dear Lupe, the word bitch (or whore, or any of the other words we use to demean women) was not created by a woman. Women did not make the term popular in a negative or affectionate way. Men (especially those in hip hop) did that.

The truth is that Black women should and do have the ability to define ourselves, for ourselves. This is true even as we struggle with our image. And for some of us that means using the language of the brothers we love and wish to connect with. I can and will call myself a bad
bitch if for me that means being educated, humble, sincere, connected, and loving. This is how we speak in a space where we have been silenced. This is how we insert ourselves into the conversations and bring ourselves back to the table.

Black women will still experience sexual assault whether we call ourselves bitches or queens.
Domestic violence will still happen whether we call ourselves bitches or queens.
We will still die in the streets, whether we call ourselves bitches or queens.
Sexism will still be poisoning our communities whether we call ourselves bitches or queens.
Girls that are too fat or too skinny will still be pushed away, whether they call themselves bitches or queens.
Our sons and daughters will not know love unless we teach them, whether we call ourselves bitches or queens.

I hope you understand. Peace and much love 2 ya!

In solidarity,
Sesali (one of your fans, sisters, and a bad bitch)

P.S.- I was at your show at DePaul. It was awesome sauce!

I wrote this for Feministing!

http://community.feministing.com/2012/08/21/the-danger-zone-fat-and-visible-at-the-intersections/

Go read and comment! I could be their next contributing writer!

Me on draws...

And that's all I have to say about that...

Dear Ty - and all that came before you...

I was reading your blog this morning. And as soon as I started listening to Frank Ocean (I still am as I write this) I thought about all of the wonderfully good music that I can accredit to you. Some other people might think this is trivial and unimportant. I know you don't. There is truly something to be said about sharing positive reactions to rhythms, beats, and their subsequent vibrations. Thank you for recognizing that. Even when we don't talk, I will hear a song, and you'll speak directly to me.

But there's more. So after I thought about how thankful I am for this music and for you, I couldn't stop. I'm glad that we connect through words and the gift of writing. I'm especially thankful for all of our mutual friends that keep us connected and brought us together in the first place--Jessica, Alicia, Aerian, Damillia, the list goes on. I guess gratitude is like that, it sees where it belongs. Mostly I'm just thankful that you and I are alive and here, at the same damn time. 

Love,

Sesali 

The Fluff... No. 1 I'm just pretty

Them: "You pretty for a big girl"

 Me: "You're smart for an idiot"

 I think that saying is equivalent to "no homo" and "not to be racist..." It basically reinforces fat-phobia and supports the norm that fat girls should not be desired. We are by the way.

 And really... it's ok... you don't have to disclaim the fact that I'm fine as hell. I just am.

 Furthermore, I know the days of the "pretty girl" are long gone (it's all about ass these days) but I'd think common courtesy would steer you away from blatantly suggesting that I'm unattractive everywhere outside of my 5 inches of face.

 I don't hear people saying "You have a nice body to be so ugly" You ever think about that? Why that might be rude? You should.

And the fact that I'm 24 and still reminding people of this is just laughable yet depressing. Good Day.




 The Fluff is about fat girls. Because fat bitches are bad bitches too.

I Did It! My official graduation announcement

Customize an announcement

Try this...

Pick a love song.

Now imagine that the love interest in the song is you.

Really listen to the lyrics and apply them to yourself.

Do this everyday.

Those love songs don't seem so ridiculous anymore, huh?

Lessons on Love from a Short Term Lover

I take risks with love [Lesson 1. Risks are necessary]. Some people might think this is reckless and is the reason I'm always "single" (The term "single" is used to reinforce the idea that we should all have committed partners all the time. Not true. And when we don't have them, we're "single" a.k.a. only a.k.a. alone. Not true. "Single" also suggests that in this state you are somehow available and looking for a committed relationship, or should be. Also not true.) And yes, none of my relationships have ended in marital bliss. But how many do?  Hell, how many marriages end in marital bliss? [Lesson 2. Sometimes the shit don't work out. And sometimes its your own fault. But that's ok.]

As the days go on, I'm more and more sure that I'm not in "the game" looking for something that lasts forever. In fact, when I enter relationships, I try to make it a point to not say forever. Instead I stay as long as it works, as long as we both want to be in it. [Lesson 3. Don't stay a day longer. You're doing yourself and your partner a disservice if you do.] And I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I'm not afraid of heartbreak anymore [Lesson 4. Don't live in fear of things you have no control over]. It comes, it lingers, it leaves. When it didn't leave, It was because I was holding on. I now also understand that part of getting to know someone (prior to and within a relationship) is potentially finding out they're crazy, immature, insensitive, cheap, dishonest, etc. [<-- That was Lesson 5. Lesson 6 is that this says something about THEM and has pretty little to do with you.] That's why I don't look back on all my past relationships and say "what the hell is wrong with me" anymore.

Compatibility is not all divine and astrological (although that's some of it. I tried to date a Virgo once. God what a train wreck), it is up to us to set boundaries and own our own shit. [Lesson 7. You entered the relationship as an individual. It should stay that way.] Relationships, however brief, have changed my life, but they haven't changed me, although they've helped.

And if the shit isn't working, isn't healthy, or doesn't feel right (not to be confused with feeling good because that's not a constant in life), I bounce. And trust me, bouncing comes easy to me. Ask my past lovers. I'm unashamed and I embrace it. And I will not apologize. [Lesson 8. Relationships are a constant test of your own capacity to stay true to self in order to share that with someone else.] Follow suit.

I have loved. I am not afraid to love [Lesson 9. Do NOT be afraid to love]. But I also understand that love, by itself, is never enough. [Lesson 10. I repeat. Love, by itself is never enough]. Relationships require hard work, compromise, understanding, communication on an EQUAL level from all parties. [Lesson 11. Love is not about power].

So yea, I love em and leave em. All of my brief (under a year)  relationships have been more fulfilling than the one long term (on and off for 8 years) relationship I had. Mainly because I love me and am the master(teacher) of my own destiny. And that pretty much sums it up.

In search of all things real [<--- Lesson 12!],

Sesali B.

First Guest Post EVER: It All Belongs to Me

Who would have thought that this would resonate so well with me today. Thank you Sista Porshe. 

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For weeks I have tried to figure out why the new single of R and B singers Brandy and Monica “It All Belongs to Me” resonated with me so much. Like literally I have played this song at least seventy times since it first came out. Today, while driving down 57 to attend a baby shower of a college friend, it hit me why I enjoyed this song so much. I realized it was not the melodies or harmonies created by the voices of these women or the instruments used. No, it was not even because of my excitement to have these two vocalists back on the scene. I love this song because it resonates Ntozake Shange’s words of the lady in green from the choreopoem For Colored Girls.

The lady in green so eloquently states,

Somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff

In the chorus of “It all Belongs to Me” Brandy and Monica name physical personal items that they have sewed into relationships that they want back. They state,

I know you mad/Cant take no more, but put that back/ that ain’t yours/have a fit, /slam the door/ but leave them bags on the floor/that sh*t belongs to me/those clothes those cars those rings/yeah/ and that macbook/that sh*t belongs to me/ so log off your facebook/It all belongs to me

This chorus is speaking directly to the lady in green’s words by adding tangible effect to the word “stuff.” The Lady in Green also gives tangibles to the word “stuff” when she claims it as, “the kick and sway of it the perfect ass for my man…my love my toes…my rhythms and my voice…” While the song gives more tangible items that can be brought, Shange’s lady in green talks about the things taken from her that one can not purchase or return for example voice. We build these relationships with people who mean us no good but to run off with all of our “stuff”. We pour into them and they give us nothing in return. They even steal our voice, which is the most powerful thing we have. 

The illustrious poet, Audre Lorde tells us “that what is most important must be spoken, made, verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.” The difference in my reading of For Colored Girls and It All Belongs to Me is that the Lady in Green seems to be speaking to a man or person whom she did not have the opportunity to tell because they had already walked off with her “stuff” whereas Brandy and Monica are speaking to the person before they get the chance to leave completely. Although I believe it is good to find your voice period, I believe Audre Lorde would urge us to speak before people have the chance to walk out and off with all of our “stuff”. She tells us “[y]our silence will not protect you…so it is better to speak knowing you were never meant to survive.”

I agree with Lorde and I am learning to do just that. It takes daily practice and reflection and while both pieces speak directly to women’s relationships with men, I think this is the principle we should apply to all facets of our lives including relationships, friendships, family, partnerships, etc. Find the voice and courage to tell these people to give you your “stuff” back before it is to late.

I urge myself and you all to “go and get yo sh*t back”

Porshe a.k.a. Pretty Black a.k.a. Sista Po Po is one of my homegirls from college. She's a writer, scholar, and Black girl. Much love.